Pip!
by eternite z
Summary: Selphie is putting on her version of Great Expectations, but the entire cast has come down with the measles. Guess who she turns to... *in progress*
1. It's gonna be a hit!

*SPOILERS FOR GREAT EXPECTATIONS!!! If you haven't finished the first, er...four chapters, reading this is not a good idea. If you're looking for an easy way to read GE, reading this is also not a good idea, because it has been Éternitétized! If you have no intention of ever reading GE, go for it. ^_^* 

Because I was blessed (¬_¬*) by having to read the unabridged version of GE, I bring you this. For obvious reasons (i.e. the book is 466 pages long) I have left some parts out and changed dialog. But I don't think you'll mind... 

*There's a reference to FF9 in there somewhere. If nothing else, you can look for that. ^.^; * Okay, now you may proceed. 

Pip!

_________________

**2:34, Monday**

Selphie rushed down the hall in a nervous wreck. Two days before the opening, and all of the main cast had come down with the measles. It was a miracle she wasn't infected, but that was the farthest thing from her mind as she rushed to find replacements. Seeing as the Garden Festival was canceled _again_ this year due to a freak accident involving lab rats, she was going to play on her friends' sympathy. 

Not once losing her pace, Selphie finally reached Commander Leonhart's office, where she expected to find at least Squall and Rinoa. She knocked rapidly and when an answer came, walked in. She was pleased to see that Quistis and Nida were also present. 

"Hey, Selphie," Squall greeted. 

Totally ignoring him, she hastily laid down her plan. "Look, guys, I'm in a really tough spot and I need you to help me." 

"What is it?" Nida asked, shrugging his shoulders. 

"I need you to.....act for me." 

Quistis opened her mouth, but Selphie was quick to cut her off. "Before you say no, hear me out! My cast has the measles and I don't know who else to ask! I knew you all read Great Expectations, because it was required....So, please? I'm in a spot." 

"When's the production?" Quistis asked. 

"In....erm...five days...." she whispered. 

"Five days?!" Squall cried. "There's no way anyone can remember lines in five days, let alone a Dickens novel!" 

"It's not the entire book! It's been semi-modernized and shortened. I even changed the name to Pip!, with an exclamation point at the end like _Oklahoma!_" 

"I....guess...it might be fun. What about you guys?" Rinoa turned to Nida and Squall who were staring at each other. 

"....Whatever...." 

"Good, Squall's in! Nida?" 

"I....get stage fright." 

"I didn't want to bring this up-" She sighed deeply. "But remember our fourth grade PTO concert, when you laughed so hard you-" 

"I'm in!" he shouted with much enthusiasm. 

"Good, because I already told Xu to start making copies of the new programs." She handed the original copy to Nida. 

He instinctively opened it up the minute it reached his hand. "You have Zell, Irvine, Seifer, and lots of other people down. Did you ask them already?" 

"I will...." 

"Uh huh, I see," he grinned. 

Rinoa held out her hand. "Let me see! I wanna know who she cast me as!" 

He handed her the paper which she grabbed greedily. "Squall: Pip, Rinoa: Estella- hey, I've got a big part!....Let's see...Quistis: Miss Havisham-" 

"What? But she's a freak!" Quistis objected. 

Selphie nervously wriggled her fingers. "Sorry, Quisty, but there aren't many female parts..." 

"....Zell: Young Pip and Wemmick- Why don't you get one of the junior classmen to play young Pip?" 

"Not enough time to look, and Zell's the shortest guy I know." 

Rinoa nodded her head, then resumed reading the program. "...Irvine: Abel Magwitch and Mr. Jaggers, Seifer: Drummle and Compeyson-" 

Squall looked up. "Doesn't Drummle try to kill Pip?" 

"Uh huh!" Selphie responded cheerfully. "I'm glad you remembered!" 

"....." 

"....Fujin: Aged P., Nida: Herbert and Joe, Raijin: Pumblechook, Selphie: Mrs. Joe and various other unimportant background characters. Do you think you can act mean enough to play Mrs. Joe?" 

"Sure! I hit Zell all the time!" 

Rinoa closed the pamphlet. "Well, okay....." 

Selphie stood up and snatched the paper from Rinoa. "I've gotta go find the rest of my actors! See ya later!" she yelled as she left the room. 

_________________

After threatening Irvine with blackmail, promising Zell a hot dog, telling where she'd put the hot dog for Zell so Seifer could steal it before he got there, and offering a gift certificate to the local mall to Fujin and Raijin, the entire cast came together to get their lines. 

"Alright, everyone!" Selphie shouted, standing on a box. "Study, study, study, and be ready for Saturday!" 

"PRACTICE?" Fujin inquired. 

"Not enough time, so when you're on stage, improvise!" 

"Why do I have to be young Pip?" Zell asked harshly. 

"Because you're short." She turned back to the group. "Okay, see you all at four on Saturday! You'd better be there, or I'll come looking for you!" She waved as they left. 

Zell pulled her off the box. "But I'm blonde and Squall a brunette-" 

"Wear a hat." 

"I think you're missing the point..." 

"It's not a big deal. Just slump down a little, wear a hat, and lighten your voice." She smiled at his immediate frown and they headed for the exit. 

_________________

**4:10, Saturday** (_Italics_ indicate whispering.) 

Selphie sighed and a small grin crept up her face. There was a big turn out, considering the entire cast had been replaced. The audience buzzed, but quickly quieted down when the lights faded and the red curtains opened. 

**Scene 1**

Being the main character, it was Squall's duty to narrate the scenes where he was not present. He stood off stage and read the lines in front of him as the light focused on Zell sitting by a cardboard gravestone. 

"My father's family name being Pirrip, and my Christian name Philip, my infant tongue could make of both names nothing longer or more explicit than Pip. So, I called myself Pip, and came to be called Pip." 

When it was bright enough to see, a low chuckle was heard from the audience, mostly the upper classmen. Zell rolled his eyes and tightened the buckles on his shoes. _"I thought she said she modernized it."_ he muttered. He looked down at the brown jacket and vest he wore, then pulled his white socks back up to where his pants cut off, just below his knees. 

"You there!" Irvine yelled, jumping out from behind the stone. 

Zell screamed with surprise as he scrambled to get away from Irvine. "Don't do that!" he demanded, clenching his fists. 

_"Didn't you read the script?"_

He shrugged. "Only some of my parts." 

Irvine groaned in disgust, but quickly regained his composure. "Hold your noise!" He grabbed Zell's shirt and harshly flung him closer. "Keep still, you little devil, or I'll cut your throat!" 

"Oh! Don't cut my throat sir!" 

"Tell us your name!" 

"There's more than one of you?" 

_"No, that's just how he talks!"_

".....Pip, sir." 

"Show us where you live! Pint out the place!" 

"Do what?" 

"Pint out the place!" 

Zell cocked his head. ".....?" 

_"Point, dammit!"_ he snarled, tightening his grip. 

Zell immediately pointed to the exit sign behind the audience. 

Irvine stared out into the darkness, pretending to catch sight of a small town. "Fetch me a file and some wittles, boy!" he ordered gruffly. 

"Some what?" 

"A file and some wittles!" 

Zell looked at him questioningly. "What are wittles? Did you make that up?" 

_"They're like..uh..knives....er, you know when you whittle something..."_

"What do you need that for?" he asked, not bothering to lower his voice. 

_"To cut the chains off my frickin' legs!"_

"You're a convict?!" 

_"Duh, Chicken-Wuss."_

"Oh my God! Someone help!" he yelled, dramatically waving his arms and struggling to get away from Irvine. 

Irvine pulled Zell closer. _"You're not supposed to call for help!"_

_"What? Why not?"_

_"Because that's how it was written! Now shut up and walk off stage."_

The room became pitch black, allowing Squall to introduce the next scene while stage crew set up the props. 

**Scene 2**

The lights brightened to reveal a kitchen/living room where Nida sat in one of the chairs. He silently read last week's newspaper (Selphie claimed that no one could see the date) when Zell kicked the door open. Nida jumped and dropped the paper. 

"Yo! Wassup?" Zell greeted. 

He sighed irritably. "Mrs. Joe has been out a dozen times looking for you, Pip. And what's worse, she's got Tickler with her." 

"I don't remember there being a character called Tickler in Gre-" 

"COME, sit over here," he interrupted. 

Zell walked over to Nida, who patted his head. The audience almost broke out laughing, seeing as they were the same height. 

Before Zell could sit down, Selphie stormed through the bent door, a long stick in her hands. "Where have you been, you young monkey?" 

"I have only been to the churchyard, Rusty," he whispered looking down at the floor. 

"Is that so?!" 

"Erm.....isn't it?" 

Selphie completely ignored him and continued rambling on about how she brought him up "by hand" and that she should have let him die. When the lecture was over, plastic corn and meat was served as dinner, then Squall began narrating once more the misadventures of young Pip. 

**10 Minutes later (AKA Christmas Day)**

Everyone on stage gathered around the table to feast. Raijin made his first appearance of the evening as Mr. Pumblechook, who he played quite well. Raijin seemed to take extra pride in denouncing Pip, which Zell had a hard time accepting. To top it off, Zell was completely confused as to why Nida kept pouring gravy on his plastic ham. 

_"Thanks, that's enough,"_ he whispered. 

Nida continued to pour. 

_"You can stop now, man."_

Nida glanced at him, then poured gravy on his potatoes. 

_"The dam already broke, so it's time to stop!"_ Zell commanded as he pointed to the potato lake he had made. 

Nida grunted and set the gravy boat down, not wanting to argue in front of all the spectators. 

After Christmas dinner, Raijin spoke up. "Dear Mrs. Joe, do ya have any brandy?" he asked. "Ya know, that alcoholic stuff that's kinda brownish?" 

"Why, ye-" 

"And it's really strong, kinda makes ya wanna cough if ya drink it too fast." 

Selphie stood up and straightened her apron. "I believe we do ha-" 

"And ya put it in those little shot glasses, ya know?" Raijin modeled the size of the glass with his fingers. 

"I'll get you so-" 

"So, do ya have any?" 

"YES, I shall fetch some from the pantry." She walked off stage and came back with a small gray jug. Raijin snatched it away from her and hastily chugged it down. About midway into drinking the brandy, he struggled to release a cough. 

Zell turned to Nida while Raijin proceeded to gasp and fall to the floor._"He didn't.....**really** drink that, did he?"_ Zell questioned nervously. 

_"You didn't actually put tar in there?"_ Nida laughed. 

_".....Of...course not...."_

Selphie waved her arms at the men behind stage, who swiftly came out from the sides and dragged Raijin away. 

_"Zell, man, when the script said that Pip filled the whiskey bottle with water from the tar bottle, you were supposed to PRETEND to do it!"_

The curtains closed before they were supposed to so the cast could scramble off stage. 

"And...er..." Squall's voice cracked. "...W-when I was old enough, I was to be apprenticed to Joe-" 

"Ow! Stop hitting me, Selphie! Geez, it was an accident!" 

Squall cleared his throat. "Mr. Wopsle's great-aunt kept an evening school in the village-" 

"My !@# it was an accident!" 

"Mr. Wopsle had the room upstairs, where we students used to overhear him reading aloud in a most-" 

CRASH! 

"Whoa! That was a close one!" 

"Come back here!" 

Squall clenched his teeth. "DIGNIFIED AND TERRIFIC MANNER......._Selphie put the chair down before you mortally wound young Pip!_" 

_________________

If I continue this, it'll be from memory, because my teacher collected our books today. (I didn't know he was going to!) Please opinionate! I won't mind if you yell at me for screwing with the novel ^_^....but I need to know what people think. Thank you much, and look out for chapter 5 of Open House, coming...sometime...

1. It's gonna be a hit!2. Replacements... Next >

The author would like to thank you for your continued support. Your review has been posted. 

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	2. Replacements...

Once more, spoilers for Great Expectations! 

Whoa, took me long enough, eh? I had most of it done, but never got around to finishing off the last couple paragraphs. ^^; I had trouble logging in, too... I'm gonna go on a rampage and review fics now....or soon...sometime this week. 

Pip!

_________________

Behind stage, Selphie continued to discuss Raijin's condition with the paramedics. She argued that he was okay, and in no need of hospitalization. They would hear nothing of it, and dragged him away on a stretcher. Now the question was: Who would play Mr. Pumblechook? 

".....Xu! Where's Xu?!" she screeched. 

"Prob'ly in the audience," answered Zell. 

"Quistis, find Xu and tell her there's a fire backstage!" 

Quistis began to walk out, when the reality of the request hit her. "Why....?" 

"We're dying out there!" She turned her head in Zell's direction. "ZELL." Quistis and Selphie sighed loud enough that he could hear them. "You think she'd want to be a part of this _mess_? ZELL." 

Zell nervously fidgeted with the buttons on his jacket until one popped off. 

"Alright," Quistis shrugged and ran out the door and into the audience. 

Once she was gone, Selphie jogged over to Squall who was reaching the end of his line. _"Keep it going until Xu gets up here!"_

He nodded slightly, racking his brain to find a way to continue speaking without making up nonsense. ".....Then one day as I....erm....was strolling down a dirt road, I spotted a vagabond. Being curious as to why this man was a vagabond and looked....vagabondish...I said to him, 'Sir, why art thou a vagabond'? He replied, quite gruffly, 'Cause I work at the coal mines...yonder. Dost thou feel the chilling wind? I 'spect that winter is nigh.' " 

Selphie smacked her forehead. 

"What happened?! Get everyone out of here!! Someone call the fire department!" Xu frantically ran to the group. 

"Oh, hi, Xu." Selphie smiled. 

"What's going on? Where's the fire?!" 

Selphie gave an embarrassed giggle. "My mistake, there is no fire.....Hey! Since you're here, why don't you take Raijin's place?" 

"You did this on purpose," she hissed. 

"Dressing rooms are right over there!" She forcefully pushed Xu into a small room where two ladies were waiting. 

"But I don't know his lines!" she protested. 

Selphie formed her fingers into an 'okay' sign. "Don't worry, you'll be great!" 

**Scene 3**

"Mr. Pumblechook and I breakfasted at eight in the parlor behind the shop. When ten o'clock came, we started for Miss Havisham's." 

Xu grabbed Zell by the collar and brought him over to Squall. _"Is that our cue? Do we go on?!"_

Squall glanced at the paper then back at them. _"...Yeah..."_

They walked onto stage and past the styrofoam gate. 

"The mansion was surrounded by a marvelous garden with one of those little fountain thingies that have those naked cherub kids....." Squall shook his head. _"This doesn't sound like something Dickens would write."_

_"I told you! It's been 'modernized',"_ whispered Selphie. 

_"All of a sudden in scene 3?"_ He wrinkled his brow, emphasizing his perturbment. 

_"Bite me. It's not like your 'vagabond' speech was any better."_ She stood quietly, watching them walk up to the entrance. _"You didn't finish the opening,"_ she grumbled. 

_And I'm not going to,"_ retorted Squall. 

_"Do it._

_"But it's-"_

_"It's my play!"_ she whined. _"Haven't I been through enough?"_

He sighed. _"Fine."_ "Those naked cherub kids that pee into the lake below." _"Happy?!"_

Selphie giggled. _"That's not what it says!"_ She grabbed the script from his hands and wiped away a fleck of dirt. 

Squall observed the newly de-flecked manuscript. "And peatmoss that gathers in the lake below....." _"Oh."_

_"Somebody feels stupid."_ She grinned mockingly. 

Xu released Zell's collar so she could knock on the door. Rinoa pulled the left door open and glared coldly at Zell. "Good day," Xu greeted. 

She tilted her head. "I thought we were expecting rain," Rinoa answered. 

Zell raised his eyebrow. 

"I'm here to drop off....._Purp?_" 

_"Pip,"_ he corrected. 

"Pip. Is the lady of the house in?" 

Rinoa reached for Zell's hand and pulled him into the doorway. "Yes, I'll take him to Miss Havisham." And with that, she slammed the door closed. Xu stood patiently for a bit, then realized they weren't coming back and ran off stage. 

_________________

**Scene 4**

Rinoa took Zell up to the 'second floor'. "What is the name of this house, miss?" he questioned. 

"Satis; which is Greek, or Latin, or Hebrew, or German, or French, or Swahili, or Norse, or Japanese, or-" 

"Enough House! That's a curious name." 

"No, it's called Satis House," she informed. 

"Right...." 

The stage crew replaced the scenery to reveal a dark room lit by candles. Quistis sat in a wooden chair wearing a faded wedding dress and one shoe. "Who is it?" she asked wearily. 

"Pip, ma'am." 

"Come nearer, let me look at you." 

He cautiously walked closer. 

"Look at me. You are not afraid of a woman who has not seen the sun since you were born?" 

"Actually-" 

"YOU ARE VERY BRAVE," she said, trying to drown out his reply. "Do you know what I touch here?" Quistis put a hand over the left side of her chest. 

He grinned. "Do you really want me to answer that?" 

"My heart. BROKEN!" 

Quistis stressed the words so harshly, Zell jumped back. 

"Now, play a game of cards with Estella," she ordered. 

He walked over to a small table where Rinoa was waiting and sat down. She immediately dealt the stack. "Can we play 'Old Maid'?" 

Quistis stood up abruptly. "Stop calling me that!" Zell and Rinoa stared quizzically at her. When she realized what she had done, she quietly sat back down and smoothed out her dress. 

They both shrugged it off, and Rinoa continued where they left off. "No, fool." 

Offended by her comment, he harshly picked up his stack. He eyed them suspiciously, picking some out and moving others around. "Ha! Full house. Beat that, kumquat!" 

"You silly twit!" she commented, placing a card on the table. "You ugly, lopsided, cheese-smelling wretch! You suck! Cry, boy! Shed some tears!" 

Zell's fists tightened as he pounded one on the table. _"If you weren't a girl, I'd beat you up,"_ he growled. 

_"It's in the script!"_ she defended. 

_"Tch, yeah."_ Scanning the room, he immediately calmed down. _"Too many witnesses..."_

Quistis cleared her throat. "You....say nothing of her....but she says many harsh things of you." 

"You mean my threats weren't good enough?!" 

"Er....What do you think of her? Tell me in my ear." 

Zell threw down his cards and strolled over to where she sat. "I think she is very stuck-up, obnoxious, rude-" 

"Watch it, Dincht!" Rinoa yelled from the table. 

"....Anything else?" 

"I think she is very ugly. Her nose is crooked and her eyebrows have bare patches-" 

Quistis grabbed his collar and flung him toward her. _"When this is over, you'll answer to **me**, then I'll turn you over to Selphie and her Strange Vision,"_ she growled. "Anything else?" 

"I...uh...think she is very insulting." 

"Anything else?" 

"I think I should like to go home." 

"And never see her again?" 

"I'll see her again, she's in my chemistry class." 

Quistis sighed and shook her head. She wondered why the audience hadn't turned into an angry mob by now....Probably because they were busy taking pictures for blackmail. 

Squall's voice echoed throughout the room. "The weekly meetings with Miss Havisham continued, and I noticed Estella grew more beautiful each day. When I began my training with Joe, we were both summoned for a visit." 

Nida made his entrance, which was followed by applause and whistles from the crowd. Zell lagged behind and when he entered the audience silenced immediately. Zell turned his head, curious as to why they stopped suddenly, but was answered by a lone cough. 

"Hmph." 

Rinoa led them into the room where Quistis sat. They greeted her and took a seat. "You are the husband of the sister of this boy?" she addressed Nida. 

Nida opened his mouth, but said nothing. 

"Yo! She asked you if-" 

"Have you brought his indentures with you?" she asked. 

"You....you're selling me?!" 

Nida laughed lightheartedly. "No, Pip, you're goin' to be my apprentice!" 

Zell stared expectantly at Nida. "...What does 'indentures' mean again?" 

Nida and Quistis sighed simultaneously. 

"You expected no premium with the boy," she said. 

"Excuse me!?" Zell yelled. "I'm not good enough to get bonuses?" 

"NO," they answered in unison. 

Quistis found a small pouch and handed it to Nida. Continuing with the script, she remarked, "Pip has earned a premium here." 

"Make up your mind, sheesh!" 

".....There are five-and-twenty guineas in this bag." 

Zell's face cringed as he stared at the bag. "Dead guinea pigs? Eww." 

"Money, you insolent little beggar!" she screamed, rising from her chair and throwing a fist in the air. 

"Are you testy because you're missing a shoe and your foot's cold?" 

She growled, but sat back down. "You are NOT to come here ever, ever, ever, EVER, again. Gargery is your master now." Quistis motioned for Nida and he came right over. She whispered in his ear, then bid farewell to he and Zell. 

_________________

**Scene 5**

"It was in the fourth year of my apprenticeship to Joe, and it was a Saturday night. There was a group assembled round the fire at the Three Jolly Bargemen. Of that group I was one. I became aware of a strange gentleman who-" He flipped through the script. "_Who what?_" 

_"Oh,"_ Selphie said as she finished buttoning her outfit. _"I didn't get around to finishing that. Just skip ahead."_

_"Won't that sound-"_ He shook his head. _"Guess it doesn't matter anymore..."_ He turned the page. _"I wonder if anyone would notice if I skipped a few scenes...."_ "The stranger, Mr. Jaggers, became my guardian and took me to London, where I met Herbert, Mr. Pocket---and other various characters that weren't important enough to find actors to portray them." He finished the rest of the sentence quickly, not pausing once. Ignoring the homicidal glare from Selphie, he continued. "Herbert had renamed me Handel, due to my upbringing as a blacksmith-actually, it's a long story, one which I do not wish to tell. We got to know each other better, and on one occasion the subject of Estella arose." 

The spotlights brightened upon Nida (who had changed into his Herbert costume) and Squall, who came running out from the left side of the stage. 

"You say you know Miss Havisham. What relation is Estella to her?" Squall asked politely. 

"She is adopted-" 

"Oh my God! What a strange twist of events! The enigma has been made clear! I see the light!" The audience member was forcefully escorted off the premises. 

Nida cleared his throat. "And has been brought up to wreak revenge on all the male sex." 

Still eyeing the audience, Squall asked, "....Why?" 

"The spoon is not generally used overhand, but under. This has two advantages-" 

Squall grabbed Nida's arm. _"What the hell are you talking about?"_

"....Dinner manners. In England you do not put the knife in the mouth-for fear of accidents-" 

_"I think Selphie wanted us to skip that part."_

"....Oh....Well, about Miss Havisham-" 

Zell came running from the side stage and skidded, nearly bumping into Squall. "Sorry, I forgot it was my cue," he gasped. 

Squall was quick to push him behind a large cardboard cut-out of a bookshelf. _"You're done, so go talk to Selphie and stop murdering the play!"_

Zell's shoulders slumped, and Squall was unsure if he was offended or relieved. He made sure Zell was off stage before he continued his conversation with Nida. 

"In a nutshell, Ms. H was supposed to marry this guy who stole her money and ended up leaving her, which drove her insane an' all." 

Squall nodded. _"And to think it took Dickens ten paragraphs to explain it...."_

Zell solemnly strolled up to Selphie. "Am I _really_ finished? I mean, that's it? My part's over?" 

"Thank God Almighty." She sighed and rolled her eyes toward the ceiling. 

".....Aren't there any other parts open?" 

Selphie fixed her gaze on him. "Before the play started you were constantly cussing out Dickens." 

He shrugged modestly. "So there aren't any left?" 

"Oh..." She grinned. "I'm sure I can find something..." 


End file.
